Fifth Graders Really Do Have the Answers

I have to admit that fifth graders at Buchanan Elementary School in Baton Rouge really do have the answers…the answers to life and living.

A few weeks ago I sat down with a randomly selected group of fifth grade students who have had Manners of the Heart instruction since first grade. I was curious to find out if the principles of Manners of the Heart were a part of shaping their worldview and perspective on life.

I’ll let you decide as you read just a few of the answers to the questions I posed to Christian, Dillon, Alexander, Adrienne, Ju-Woo, Jhansi and Marcus:

What did Manners of the Heart teach you?

·          Christian:

o   I learned a lot of new things that I never knew

o   Always have a kind heart

o   Manners fill your heart with happiness

o   To tell others about manners

o   Stay strong when someone talks bad about you

o   Show happiness to others even though they’re being mean to you

·          Dillon:

o   Treat others the way you want to be treated

o   I knew it would help me

o   Give respect to get it

o   Teach other people about what you have learned

·          Alexander:

o   Gulliver the Grumpy Guest

o   Gabriel the Grateful Guest

o   MOH gave me a chance to teach younger kids. I help with little kids at my church and each week I would teach the lesson I learned at school to the little kids

·          Adrienne:

o   Be nice to someone even if they’re not being nice to you

o   Manners of the Heart changes your life—makes you a better person

o   Teach others the Golden Rule

·          Ju-Woo:

o   The lessons are really good.

o   The lessons are things that really happen to you in your life

o   Makes you happier—if you’re nice to people, it makes them feel good and you, too!

o   Show the manners in your heart in your actions

·          Jhansi:

o   Showed us how other people would feel if no one was ever nice to them and how big a difference it makes when people are nice

o   Treat people with respect because that makes the world a better place

o   Taught me what is right and wrong

o   I put flies around Gulliver’s head in my drawing because he was being rotten!

o   These are important lessons filled with meaning we will use throughout our lives

·          Marcus:

o   Be a good friend

o   Helps people be more friendly to you when you’re friendly to them

o   If you’re more respectful of others than they are of you, you’ll help them learn to be more respectful

o   How gossiping makes people feel really, really bad

o   Manners are how you make friends with other people

What would your world be like without Manners of the Heart?

·           “A lot of arguing”   Alexander  

·           “I wouldn’t know how to talk to others”   Jhansi

·           “Lots and lots of gossiping”  Adrienne

·           “A lot different…I wouldn’t treat people the way I do”    Marcus

·           “People wouldn’t be respectful”  Jhansi

·           “If there wasn’t Manners of the Heart there would be a bunch of fighting and it would be a very unhappy        place.”   Christian

That last answer explains our world today, doesn’t it? The reason we have fighting (kids killing each other, killing us and killing themselves) and the lowest level of happiness our society has ever experienced, is because we don’t have enough Manners of the Heart.

The answer from a fifth grader. It really is that simple.

From my heart to yours,

Wise Ol' Wilbur

Transforming a Bully

Forgiveness Changed the Bully

The second most popular lesson this year was “Excusing Others,” one of the HEART lessons…Helping Others, Excusing Others, Appreciating Others, Respecting Others and Treating Others.

The really fascinating part of the popularity of this lesson is that it came very early in the school year. For elementary students, the beginning of the school year is just a distant memory, and yet, this lesson remained at the forefront of their hearts and minds. 

In the lesson, all grade levels learn how to forgive others and how to ask for forgiveness. One of the most poignant lessons in this series takes place in second grade. Children are paired up with their classroom partner and asked to draw a picture of their favorite person, possession or pet. When the drawing is complete they exchange the picture with their partner and then we ask them to tear it. Yes, we ask them to tear their partner’s picture. I know this seems extreme, and I suppose it is, but even more extreme are the outcomes.  

In a second grade classroom, a rough and tumble young boy sat stunned at the request to tear his partner’s picture. Surprising to everyone because this was the bully of the class. The expectation was that he would enjoy being told to destroy someone else’s picture, but he couldn’t do it. Tears streamed down his face. For the first time, he recognized how his actions hurt others. You see, up until this point, the pain he inflicted on others was his way of getting rid of his own pain. He had not realized that he was hurting others by his actions.

After a few excruciating moments, he tore the picture. A tiny rip in the top corner.

Wondering where the forgiveness comes in this lesson? The children are given Band-Aids and told to repair the tear and return the picture to their partner while looking them in the eye and asking for forgiveness. They also learn the final step of forgiveness—vowing to never do it again. 

Our soon-to-be-bully-no-more placed a Band-Aid on the tear and said, “I’m sorry…I will never do that again.” And he didn’t…not one time the rest of the school year.

One of our foundational principles is that to change a bully, you must “get the bad stuff out to let the good stuff in.” It works!

From my heart to yours,

Wilbur 

Raising the Expectations

It’s the close of another school year. As part of our end of the year survey, we ask the children we serve to tell us their favorite lesson. The answers surprised me, like never before.

The number one response? “I loved learning about being a host and a guest.” Surprising because this is one of the lessons that adults have criticized as not being appropriate for many of our impoverished inner city students. I can’t begin to tell you how many times well-meaning adults have suggested that this lesson does not fit the lifestyle of a child growing up in poverty.

It saddens my heart to hear adults insist that children in poverty are different than other children. That they should not receive instruction in the same life skills that children growing up outside of poverty receive. I’ve heard comments like, “They will never experience being a guest.” “You’re making them feel bad they don’t have nice homes.” “You’re setting them up for disappointment.”

But that’s not what the children are telling us. The children are telling us they LOVE the lesson. They love learning about Gulliver the Grumpy Guest who knows how to be a pest and Gabriel the Grateful Guest who always gives his best! As so often is the case, the children hear the deeper meaning of the lesson that many adults miss. They understand that everywhere they go, they are a guest. They understand that when anyone enters their “space” they become a host.

I believe this says a lot about the way we go about educating high-risk children. We lower the expectations, and in so doing, give the children a clear message that they are less than other children.

Which I trust no one really believes.

From my heart to yours, 

Wilbur

Children learn manners from our example

Manners in a Minute

“Do as I say, not as I do.” 

The first parent who said that to a child was probably caught red-handed doing something that shouldn’t have been imitated, like drinking straight out of the milk carton instead of pouring the milk in a glass.

Children learn TWICE as much from what we do than from what we say.  In terms of manners, children are likely to forget our words unless we model manners of the heart with our actions. 

A great way to start setting an example of manners of the heart for your children is by being respectful of the people you encounter.  Resist the urge to yell at the driver who cuts you off.  Don’t forget there are “big ears” in the backseat listening to you.  Greet the grouchy grocery store cashier with a big smile.  Those little ones sitting in the cart are watching you.  Replace words of criticism of your spouse and children with words of kindness and respect. 

With time, your children will do as you say because of what you do.  

Manners are not Memorizing Rules

Manners in a Minute

(Children’s voices, if possible):  Three times four is twelve.  Three times five is fifteen.  Three times six is eighteen.  (fade out)

Some things never change.  You and I memorized our multiplication tables, and I bet many of you have had to help your children do the same. 

However, having good manners is more than memorizing a set of rules.  Good manners come from an attitude of the heart that is self-giving, not self-serving.  Children who have good manners in their hearts look for ways to put others, not themselves, first.  They come to see that what they give to the world is more important than what they are given.

Here are some ways to help your children use good manners.  Encourage your children to take in the garbage cans for an elderly neighbor, to sit with the not-so-popular classmate in the school cafeteria, or to “high-five” EVERYBODY after a soccer game.  In turn, you’ll raise children who respect themselves and others even more.

Be sure to tune in this week to learn more about helping your children develop manners of the heart.